COLUMNIST

Sexual Notes From the Debate Team

Like high school itself, high school sports are the unimportant masquerading as the hugely significant.

Every time an adult told high school me that "these are the best years of your life," I used to pray the guy was wrong.

He was.

And I liked high school. My parents got along. We lived indoors. I usually had a girlfriend.

But, bedazzled by the thought of our own youth, and bored by our middle age, we continue to thrust upon our children everything from overdone proms to the notion that anything you do on the football team is important. Once we're no longer in high school, we continue the fascination with games.

Last week, I wrote about the numerous broflakes whose jockstraps are chafing because a female pop singer shows up at professional football games.

Hey, at least Taylor Swift isn't PLAYING in the Super Bowl, although she could if she announced that she was, in fact, a man. She's a little light, it's true, but she's fast and she moves well.

And it happens.

Out there in the 'burbs, Shane, a senior at Bookban High School, announces that he is not Shane but is, in fact, Shayla. Having laid claim to his girlhood, Shane/Shayla buys a bathing suit with a top half, joins the girls' swim team, and begins merrily out-swimming every Meghan and Alicia in the tri-county area.

Hilarity does not ensue.

Genetic girl swimmers refuse to compete against new Shayla, who wins every meet because he has the upper body of a home run king on steroids.

It's the same when Monica announces she is Matt, joins the boys' baseball team and starts throwing junk the boy batters can't hit

Bible. Parental tooth grind. Court case. Loss. Appeal. Uproarious School board meetings. Nazi runs for mayor.

Let's fix this.

First, dismantle high school and college sports. Bulldoze the stadiums. No more games against other schools.

Phys. Ed? You bet. Run the little delinquents till they drop. Push-ups. Pull ups. Climb the rope. Pommel horse. Handsprings.

Then throw every school and community's weight behind the math team, the chess team and the debate team.

Gender doesn't matter in any of those sports, and a 115-pound genetic girl can easily out-chess a genetic 220-pound boy. Transgender? No one cares on the math team, and it won't make you more likely to win.

Totally gender-free high school, college and professional sports are within our grasp. We've just been playing the wrong sports.

As a bonus, there's a sub-movement among Americans to have high school courses that teach "real life skills" like doing your taxes. The math team, the debate team and the chess team all teach you about real-life things like math, language and how to think your way through a problem. Dribbling is not a life skill. I've been working since I was 14 and have never been asked to kick the extra point. I have been asked to say stuff, write stuff and solve problems.

I was on the debate team in high school. Size didn't matter. No one ever broke his tibia playing debate and then got hooked on the opioids they gave him/her for the pain. I acquired some real-life skills.

I dream of the day when a pop singer gets his picture taken as he jumps up and down in a luxury box at the stadium, watching his girlfriend solve problems in Math Bowl XXVI.

Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.

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