Grab your shotgun, Faithful Reader. You might need it.
You see, a prophet has spoken.
That prophet (pronounced prof-it) is Jim Bakker, televangelist extraordinaire. No, he hasn’t opened a new theme park. No, he hasn’t released a new line of food buckets for you and your family to survive on in case y’all get left behind after The Rapture. No, he hasn’t released another fake cure for COVID-19 since his “silver solution” got him in trouble with the Food & Drug Administration and got him sued (again).
And no, he’s not going back to prison.
No, this time Brother Jim is out to share with you the good news about the coming zombie apocalypse.
On a recent episode of The Jim Bakker Show, Brother Jim had as his guest a gentleman named Steve Quayle.
“Zombies that are on the earth are a disease like any other disease that affects people and they become like zombies. Is that right?” queried Brother Jim of Mr. Quayle.
“The whole subject of zombies can be just boiled down at one end to a genetically modified human that is no longer human on the level that you and I are living beings,” responded Mr. Quayle.
They went on to speculate about the government possibly knowing about a coming zombie plague, and that a likely manmade virus could alter human DNA to induce demon possession that will turn people into the flesh eating walking dead.
It was wild. If you don’t believe me, Google “Jim Bakker zombies” and the video will pop right up.
You know, it was hard to sit through church sometimes when I was a kid, but if the pastor at First Baptist Church had gotten on this I would have had no trouble paying attention.
Now before you laugh it off, please consider that Brother Jim is making enough money to stay on the air and sell his post-Rapture food buckets and fake COVID cures and talk about zombies that are on the earth. That means somebody, likely a lot of people, are sending him money. That means they at least somewhat believe in him.
As Dolores O’Riordan, God rest her soul, asked in The Cranberries’ most famous song, “Zombie:” “What’s in your head?”
What is the present state of American Christianity, you may occasionally wonder to yourself? Why do so many not seem to take religion seriously?
Here, I think, is at least part of the answer.
Zombie lore has long held that the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain some way or another.
In the event of a zombie apocalypse, perhaps the military should broadcast The Jim Bakker show over the Emergency Broadcast System all over the country in an effort to destroy the shambling undead hordes.
I mean, it seems to work well enough on the living.
I will give you some parting advice, Faithful Reader. In the event that Brother Jim’s prophecy comes true, remember, double tap.
It’s the only way to be sure.
Caleb Baumgardner is a local attorney. He can be reached at [email protected]