Between Editions

After years of secretly eating little children and scaring old people out of their Depends, the Lisbon Goon said Wednesday during a press conference at the Norphlet crater that he has come out from the shadows to do “something good for the community.”

The first step, Goon said, was to hire a publicist and come up with a new name.

“With a name like Lisbon Goon, I don’t expect to have many job opportunities come my way,” he said.

Goon stands 7 feet tall and is covered in thick tufts of black hair. He smells of swamp gas and has years of dirt matted into his face.

“Oh, yeah, and after I get a new name, I’m shaving all this fur off and buying a new Brooks Brothers suit,” Goon said, joking with the audience.

Officials with the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission were on hand asking Goon questions about his family background. Goon told them that his family was from the Norphlet area, rather than Lisbon, and that his grandfather moved to Union County during the oil boom days.

“We hid in the woods and hollers around here, eating whatever children we could find,” Goon said. “It was a meager existence, but we got by.”

When asked if any charges would be filed against Goon for eating children over the years, 13th Judicial District Prosecuting Attorney Robin Carroll said that it wasn’t likely since Goon was technically “not a person.”

Goon said he stopped eating children in the 1990s and is now a vegetarian.

“It’s sort of like in the old days when folks used to eat tripe,” Goon said. “We used to eat children, but we don’t anymore. It’s sort of frowned upon.”

Goon said he is currently the only member of his family living in Union County; the others are in Louisiana and have no plans to return here.

As for a new career, Goon said he might move to El Dorado and run for mayor or city council. He also apologized to current El Dorado Alderman Vertis Mason for “giving her a scare” several years ago outside her home.

“She thought I was a bear, so I was a little offended by that,” Goon said. “But I think Mrs. Mason and I will get along great. I look forward to working with her professionally.”

Mason could not be reached for comment Wednesday.

By Wednesday afternoon, news of Goon’s emergence had spread all over the world. Other Goons in Ohio, Kentucky and California also came out of hiding with plans of entering the workforce.

Goon said that he is currently in talks with El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President and CEO Don Wales about holding the First Annual Goon Convention in 2012 at the soon-to-be-built El Dorado Conference center.

Wales expressed excitement about the prospect.

“I think this is great for El Dorado,” Wales said. “Goon is great. And I think having a Goon convention here would really be a boost to our economy. We welcome them with open arms.”

Just in time for Christmas, the maker of the infamous Chia Pet and Chia Head has announced plans for an El Dorado Edition of their product.

Randy Planter, CEO of Chia Industries, said that he first found out about El Dorado through a national magazine article touting the El Dorado Promise. The Chia Head concept “seemed like a natural fit,” he said.

Chia Heads are currently available in Mayor Mike Dumas (mustache sold separately), Alderman Vertis Mason, Alderman Larry Combs and Richard Mason.

DISCLAIMER
*The “We Promise” slogan is now the official slogan for the City of El Dorado and may NOT be distributed or copied, unless, that is, you can come to our fair city and explain to us exactly why our leaders chose “We Promise”.

While we understand that “We Promise” sounds a bit like a brother and sister telling their parents that they will clean their rooms, it is, in reality, supposed to allude to the fact that children who attend the El Dorado School District can receive a free college education, thanks to Murphy Oil.

“We Promise” in no way, shape, form or fashion guarantees your right to happiness, or that you will one day receive a brand new Mercedes just for looking good and having a great smile.

“We Promise” does not guarantee that anyone in El Dorado can prevent your wife or husband from cheating on you.

“We Promise” does not guarantee that city leaders will make you look better in that little black dress without wearing an industrial-strength girdle. “We Promise” won’t get rid of that pesky facial hair, ladies.

And gentlemen, “We Promise” cannot erase that big beer gut.

“We Promise” doesn’t ensure that anyone from or affiliated with the City of El Dorado will ever come to clean your home, vacuum your bedroom or clean your fish tank.

“We Promise” in no way implies that anyone associated with El Dorado will mow your yard or tend to your garden.

“We Promise” will not make light beer taste like real beer.

Offer available to NEW residential customers in the El Dorado area. Offer expires on 9/30/20. Consumer discretion is advised.

General Motors Corporation announced today that it plans to reintroduce its luxury model “El Dorado” to the world, and the car is to be manufactured right here in El Dorado.

But there’s a hitch. The city must agree to change the pronunciation from El Do”ray”do, with a long “a” sound, to El Dor”ah”do, which is how the company pronounces its luxury car model.

GM Vice President Kirk Buick said that the company had considered El Dorado, Kan., which is already pronounced like the classic Cadillac name, but “they didn’t have the El Dorado Promise. That’s what sold us. We want our workers to come to a place where their kids can get a free college education.”

The new Cadillac plant will be built at the former Cooper Tire facility on Industrial Road and will employ 2,500. Buick said the plant should be up and running by late next year.

“We hope to have the first El Dorado off the line before Christmas 2009,” Buick said.

As part of the celebration, GM officials are planning to issue a new El Dorado to every EHS graduate who participates in the Promise program. The cars will be Wildcat purple and feature El Dorado Promise emblem plates on their trunks.

In conjunction with the recently approved Promise Pleasure Palace, GM said that they will provide one El Dorado per week as a giveaway draw at the new Casino.

El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President and CEO Don Wales said that the Car Wash Task Force is already busy preparing for the onslaught of new cars in the city.

“What we will do is have entrepreneurs manufacture bucket kits, complete with washing mitts, soap, wax and plush clothes — branded with the El Dorado Promise logo, of course — and we will put those in the trunks of each of the new Cadillacs,” Wales said.

Meanwhile, the El Dorado City Council Thursday night is expected to vote on the city’s name pronunciation change, Mayor Mike Dumas said Wednesday.

Most councilmen were thrilled about the proposal, but at least one, Vertis Mason, seemed miffed at the prospect of Cadillacs controlling the city. “Why not Mercedes?” Mason quipped. “Why not Rolls Royce?”

“I just don’t think Cadillacs are good enough. I certainly wouldn’t drive one.”

Mason suggested that city leaders rethink the approach.

“Jobs and job growth are great, but names say everything. If we have a tarnished image by using some cheap floozy car as our inspiration, then Lord knows what kind of riffraff we will have coming in here.”

It took a special session of the Arkansas Legislature, $200 million, and a quick-thinking group of Las Vegas entrepreneurs to pull it off, but El Dorado will soon be home to Arkansas’ first casino resort — The Promise Pleasure Palace.

“One-armed bandit lovers, get ready, this is your day!” El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas screamed into a microphone on Wednesday as he stood on the lawn of the old Federal Building downtown. He threw dozens of casino tokens, each stamped with the El Dorado Promise logo, out into the crowd. “This is it! This is the day we’ve all been waiting for!”

City leaders have been wondering for weeks what would become of the old Federal Building after it was put on sale by the government in August. Last week, local businessman Richard Mason announced that his friends in Las Vegas were interested in operating a new casino somewhere in the the South, possibly Arkansas.

For weeks, state and local officials have worked behind the scenes to craft a proposal that would allow the city to legally operate a casino.

An agreement was finally reached Wednesday.

The Arkansas Legislature met in a special session to approve a resolution legalizing casino gambling only on one acre of land in Arkansas — the address of the Federal Building in El Dorado.

Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe said he pushed for the approval because “El Dorado has such a bright future, and with all those casino lights that will be installed on the building, it will only shed more light on how amazing we feel El Dorado really is.”

The El Dorado City Council on Thursday is expected to approve an ordinance legalizing gambling on the Federal Building site. Judging from the reaction of council members present at Wednesday’s announcement — each of whom sported Promise Pleasure Palace T-shirts — that vote is likely to be unanimous.

“Of course it will be,” said alderman Matt Thomas. “Screw the conference center, we got free cocktails and roulette now!”

Dumas said that he and other city leaders are currently in the process of creating a casino task force to monitor funds going to and streaming from the new Promise Pleasure Palace. More than $200 million of El Dorado Forward money will be used to renovate the Federal Building into a gambling resort.

Plans call for using the top two floors as hotel space, while the bottom floors will be renovated for gambling and entertaining.

Calion resident Jasper Hickenbotham, like hundreds of others Wednesday who lined Main Street in front of the Federal Building, said he thought the idea was just what El Dorado needed.

“This is fantastic, now I won’t have to drive to Shreveport to gamble,” said Hickenbotham. “Now if they’d just legalize prostitution, I’d never have to leave home!”

El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President Don Wales said that the entrepreneurship task force is already working with local residents on ways they can make money from the new casino.

“I have talked to a guy in Reno, and he washes casino tokens,” Wales said. “He’s sending me material on a machine that will do that, and we feel like it will be a winner.”

The machine clips to a fanny pack and holds a cleaning solution. Gamblers dip their chips or tokens in the solution, and they come out “crystal clean,” Wales said. “We’re excited about it.”

Ideas are hard to come by. Great ideas, well, even harder. In an effort to keep Satire Wednesday at the “great” level, I’ve avoided writing pieces that I felt would be only mediocre.

A coworker and I are currently working on several ideas that should be over the top. So, stay tuned, Satire Wednesday will be back soon.

The El Dorado Economic Development Board announced Wednesday plans for a “grand new monument” to help beautify the city as part of the El Dorado Forward plan.

Dubbed Mount Gushmore, the 60-foot, $2.8 million granite structure will be built to resemble the famous Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, said El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas, who called the idea “bloody brilliant.”

Appearing on Mount Gushmore will be Dumas, Murphy Oil CEO Claiborne Deming, and local business owners and do-gooders Richard and Vertis Mason. Vertis Mason is also an El Dorado alderman.

An independent panel, hired at a cost of $400,000, was brought in to choose local figures who might look appealing in granite, and who have “done good things for the city,” EEDB members said.

Everything is being funded by the El Dorado Forward 1 cent sales tax.

“We really do feel like this is money well spent, and I’m not just saying that because my moustache will be 6 feet long and visible from Norphlet,” Dumas said. “I really think this city needs more monuments.”

Vertis Mason called the idea “odd,” but agreed that she would like to be able to see herself from the window of her husband’s plane, Red Scarf 1, as they fly into and out of El Dorado.

“Sure, it will be a little weird at first, but I think I can get used to it,” Vertis Mason said. “After all that Richard and I have done for El Dorado, this is the least they could do to pay us back.”

Deming was unavailable for comment.

The monument will be built on the old County Market site on North West Avenue. Construction is expected to begin in September.

This artist’s rendering (although crude) was issued to give the public an idea about how the monument will look.

Former Arkansas First Lady Janet Huckabee consoles her husband, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, after he allegedly stole Big Mac sandwiches from patrons at a Little Rock McDonald’s restaurant.

LITTLE ROCK — Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who has championed weight loss over the past four years after shedding more than 100 pounds, confused and angered many patrons at a Little Rock McDonald’s Wednesday morning after he allegedly “snatched and grabbed Big Mac after Big Mac from customers’ hands,” according to store manager Jim Latrell.

After the incident, Latrell said Arkansas State Troopers quickly whisked Huckabee out of the store, located on Broadway in downtown Little Rock, and into a limousine.

Calls to the former governor’s Little Rock office were unreturned Wednesday.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Latrell, who has been manager at the Broadway McDonald’s since January. “He had this wild look in his eyes, and he just kept saying, ‘I’m the Hamburglar, I want meat, I want meat.’”

The “Hamburglar” is one of several mythical characters created by McDonald’s to market food to children.

According to witnesses, Huckabee had been jogging down Broadway when he was spotted running toward the Broadway McDonald’s, which he entered with the state trooper and his wife, Janet Huckabee.

Harold Watkins, one of the governor’s alleged victims, said Huckabee immediately ran toward him, knocking him down and reaching for his recently purchased Big Mac. “He said to me, ‘I’m the Hamburglar, this Big Mac is mine now! I used to run this state!’” Watkins said. “Of course I let him have it. He was the governor, and he looked mighty hungry.”

Before Huckabee left the scene, his wife wrapped him up in what she called “his favorite blanket” and consoled him, according to witnesses.

Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe said after Huckabee’s outburst that he was “embarrassed” for Huckabee and for the entire state of Arkansas. Beebe said that all of the state’s McDonald’s restaurants should “refrain from serving” the former governor.

“It’s despicable for a former head of state to behave this way in a restaurant,” Beebe said. “We all get hungry, heck, I’ve even cut in line before to get my number four quarter pounder with cheese, but to knock someone down. To actually knock them down and take their food away from them. That just isn’t being a true Arkansan. Besides that, if anyone in this state is going to be the Hamburglar, it’s going to be me.”

Noted Little Rock psychologist R. Aaron Wilde III said that he found it “very interesting” that Huckabee would pick the Hamburglar to be his alter ego, as opposed to, say, Grimace, the large purple thing, or the cheerful Ronald McDonald.

“I think it definitely speaks to his time in the governor’s office,” Wilde said. “Perhaps he is having flashbacks or regrets about something he did wrong while in office. Or, he could have just been hungrier than a mule on plow day.”

McDonald’s restaurants have reportedly sent 12 Big Mac’s to Huckabee’s North Little Rock home.

The couple made famous for having so many children — 17 in all — are making the move to El Dorado to take advantage of the Promise.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, who currently reside in Northwest Arkansas, held a conference call today with El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas, El Dorado Chamber of Commerce Chairman Don Wales and members of the El Dorado Forward Plan to discuss their big announcement.

“What a momentous day for El Dorado,” said Dumas, who sported a t-shirt emblazoned with photos of each of the Duggar’s 17 children: Joe Bob, Rae Bob, Jim Bob, John Bob, Tim Bob, Leo Bob, Mike Bob, Steve Bob, Larry Bob, David Bob, Sara Bob, Jenny Bob, Bobbie Bob, Debbie Bob, Cindy Bob, Mytaling Llyang Bob (adopted) and Laura Lou Bob.

“Jim Bob, I just want to tell you that on behalf of the City of El Dorado, and everyone in our community, I declare this ‘Duggar Day’ in El Dorado. We will be so glad to have you and your beautiful children here!”

“Thank you so much, mayor, we appreciate it, and we are already loading our bus and getting ready to drive down your way,” Duggar replied.

The Duggar children range in age from newborn to 17, and the family is expected to enjoy more than $5 million in college savings from the Promise.

Wales said that he is currently in talks with Jim Bob Duggar to partner him with owners of the Soap and Shine Automated Car Wash Company, which has a car wash under construction in El Dorado.

Wales said that Duggar has also expressed interest in being a part of the Clean Car Task Force, a plan that’s being touted as a way to “clean up” El Dorado’s image.

“If there is one thing that Michelle and I like more than making babies, it’s washing our family’s 20 passenger bus,” Duggar said. “We believe in clean cars. We believe in the Promise, and we are on our way to El Dorado.”

The Duggars are expected to be fully moved into their new El Dorado home by the start of the school year in August.

Right now, 14052 N. West Ave. is little more than a large pile of dirt with dying grass and a faded for sale sign. By August, it will be home to what city leaders believe is “the answer to our economic woes.”

El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas announced on Wednesday that the Soap and Shine Automated Car Wash Company plans to operate a seven bay, “super deluxe” car wash on the property. Construction will begin next week, and plans are already in the works for a free car wash day, Dumas said.

“How exciting is this, that we can put our El Dorado Forward dollars to work by bringing in something as vital to the community as a Soap and Shine carwash,” Dumas said, leaning on his city-owned Ford Crown Victoria, which has the words “wash me” scrolled on the back bumper.

“While the Soap and Shine won’t bring any jobs to our city, it will bring cleaner cars, and we hope that clean cars will show people that we know how to take care of our things here in El Dorado. This, in turn, will make folks want to relocate to town.”

In addition to speaking about Soap and Shine’s plans, Dumas spent much of Wednesday touting a new task force that has been created to “clean up the city’s automobiles.”

The “Clean Car” Task Force will begin operating next month and is designed, in conjunction with Soap and Shine, to “make every car in El Dorado spit shined and beautiful,” Dumas said.

Don Wales, president and CEO of the El Dorado Chamber of Commerce, said that the Clean Car Task Force will allow El Dorado to clean up its image, along with showing potential industries and families that the El Dorado Promise is not all the city has to offer.

Wales will work in conjunction with a yet-to-be-named Clean Car Task Force chairman and a representative from Soap and Shine on the project.

Cost for car washes at Soap and Shine have not been determined, but Dumas assured on Wednesday that “if someone cannot afford a car wash, we will get them one, one way or another.”

Further details on the Clean Car Task Force were unavailable on Wednesday.

Back on the economic front, Wales said that he has already had several calls from a company in North Carolina that’s interested in relocating to El Dorado because they are “tired of all the dirty cars running around” in their own city.

“We’ve known for a while that this was the hidden answer to boosting an economy,” Wales said. “We are at the forefront of this thing. No one else knows about it yet. We are going to ride the wave of clean cars all the way to the bank. Get in line, because our buttons are set to hot wax and shine.”