Between Editions

Having behavioral issues with your kids? New studies show that as far as various schools of discipline go, an oldie is still, no doubt, a goodie. According to the South Arkansas Regional Health Center, children disciplined during their formative years using corporal punishment have been proven to become more productive teens and young adults.

However, according to SARHC resident child behaviorist Mike Dodd, in order to make parents’ efforts hit home, varying degrees of force should be used.

“All acts of rebellion, all bad deeds must be countered in accordance with their severity,” Dodd said.

Dodd illustrates this in his new book, Corporal Punishment For The New Millennium American Family, currently available through Marsh-Willis Press.

In Dodd’s book, diagrams, anecdotes, and situational references to his experiences as a child and with his own children are used to educate American parents who are, according to another SARHC official, “raising their kids to be hippies instead of red-blooded Americans.”

Chapter three of Dodd’s book outlines a punishment rubric for kids who get into fights or cause other physical confrontations resulting in a need for discipline.

“In the Biblical sense, violence only begets more violence,” Dodd said, “however, we have discovered through research at our testing facilities in Cambodia, Pakistan, and Calion, that this is simply not the case.”

The punishment recommended for children who start fights is a quick jab to the throat by a parent, teacher, or loved one.

“As an added bonus, catch them coming around a corner so they don’t expect it,” Dodd said. “Pain is a fickle mistress, but surprise is the key to truly altering a child’s behavior.”

Another chapter of the book is devoted entirely to offenses perpetrated by children during travel.

“In the event a parent is driving during adverse conditions, say, during a severe thunderstorm,” he said, “I recommend a maneuver I call ‘The Miss Daisy.’ A parent must rotate the shoulders in such a way that they can keep their eyes on the road, but still have a clear reach of the back seat. Then, pop the child squarely in the nose or teeth using a closed fist. Beat their friends, too, if they don’t step correct. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.”

Dodd urged parents to swerve the car for maximum effectiveness.

While many different situations are covered in various chapters, Dodd reserves the final chapter for parents who either feel their child’s perpetration is not covered in other chapters, or that the act itself is so heinous that extra force is warranted.

“For the worst of the worst, I recommend the ‘Flying Serpent Kick,’” he said. “This move was handed down by God, himself, to me through the sacred vessel of Mortal Kombat’s Liu Kang. It requires some acrobatic skill on the part of the administrator, but the results are priceless.”

A full-color, four by three foot poster of the ‘Flying Serpent Kick’ procedural diagram is available with the purchase of one of the first 500 copies of Dodd’s book.

In the event parents cannot perform the maneuver, Dodd recommends another substitution.

“Keep a cane under a recliner or wedged between a couch and an end table, and go for the knees every time [the child] passes by to head to the kitchen or computer,” he said. “Space the beatings out so the message is not lost.”

“Also,” he added, “they will come to associate pain with food and the Internet, therefore cutting down on the possibility that they’ll become Twinkie-gorging World of Warcraft players and Myspace addicts.”

Corporal Punishment For The New Millennium American Family is available now in all major retail chains.

For more information, contact the South Arkansas Regional Health Center.

Don’t know about you, but I’d sure love to be here right now. Anyone have exciting vacation plans this summer? Hopefully I’ll be heading to the Gulf of Mexico sometime soon.

Photo credit: Alabama Gulf Coast Convention and Visitor’s Bureau.
Beautiful Orange Beach, Ala.

“Unbelievable! fantastic! wonderful!”

Jackson Smith shouted these three words over and over as he jumped and skipped along Main Street on Wednesday — his way of reacting to news that super group Metallica and country crooner Garth Brooks will be in town the first weekend of October to headline at Musicfest.

Smith, along with hundreds of others gathered outside the El Dorado Chamber of Commerce for the announcement, cheered festival organizer Mark Givens, who said this year’s event will be unlike anything South Arkansas has ever seen.

“We expect many thousands of people to attend this year, and we couldn’t be more excited,” Givens said after the announcement. “We are currently working on lodging options and figuring out how we are going to accommodate the throngs of people who will descend on us for this massive concert.”

To handle the large crowds, Givens said a decision was made to move the festival to the Union County Fairgrounds because of its size and location. Musicfest has traditionally been held in downtown El Dorado.

El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas, who sported a tight Metallica T-shirt featuring two large skulls, said he is “looking forward to seeing one of my favorite groups.” Dumas said that he plans to address the city council on Thursday to declare this October “heavy metal month” in El Dorado.

Dumas, who once toured with the hardrock group in the 1980s as their public relations specialist, said he had a “key role” in securing the band’s date for Musicfest.

“I don’t care if we have to blow all the El Dorado Forward money to make sure these guys have a good time, we will do it! Party on!” Dumas said.

On the country side, Brooks will mark his first post-retirement concert when he takes the stage this October at the fairgrounds. His publicist said he is “looking forward to playing South Arkansas.”

El Dorado Alderman Vertis Mason, wearing a traditional 10-gallon, Texas-sized cowboy hat, said she will host Brooks at her El Dorado home. She suggested that Dumas and her fellow aldermen should also declare October “country month,” in addition to “heavy metal month.”

“It’s only fair,” Mason said, tipping her hat. “I’m a country girl at heart, and Garth is just a dreamboat. I love him to death. I really don’t care about hearing Metallica.”

By mid-afternoon, signs and welcome banners were already sprouting up all over the city. And at city hall, Dumas hoisted a large skull and crossbones flag in front of the building to welcome Metallica to town.

Meanwhile, Mason plans to construct an Olympic-sized, cowboy-hat-shaped swimming pool for the Brooks after party.

“We’re gonna fire up the pina colada machines and let the thunder roll!” Mason shouted. “Let the party begin!”

Since before Memorial Day things have been so busy that no one has had spare time to blog. And, unfortunately, that is the only time we get to blog is in our spare time. We still have a newspaper to print. Anyway, some of our staff members, myself included, have also been ill. This has greatly contributed to our lack of posts as well.

Just know that we will be back in full form soon, hopefully.

Recently I got into a conversation with a gentleman about laws concerning alcoholic beverages here in El Dorado, and in Arkansas. He let me know, in so many words, that he was unhappy with not being able to stand in the street or on a sidewalk and drink a beer from its bottle. Several descriptive words were used, but two stood out the most. The first was “archaic,” and I’m inclined to agree. The second was “stupid.” So, I got curious and I found out that, stupid or not, we could be a lot worse off. Here are a few examples that I pulled from various websites. Anyone who’d like confirmation is more than welcome to e-mail me for the link.

CAVEAT: Today is not Wednesday. This is for real.

In Missouri, you don’t have a legal obligation to report seeing a dead body unless said body was your blood relative, you tampered with or moved the body, or unless you killed the person.

In Texas, you can’t shoot buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

In Michigan, it is illegal to use a decompression chamber to kill a dog.

According to our neighbors to the south in Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”

Cap guns are outlawed in Rhode Island.

In Fort Madison, Iowa, the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Due to Ohio’s apparently sharply dropping whale population, it is illegal to fish for whales… but only on Sunday. Whaling is also illegal in Oklahoma.

In West Virginia, a person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel.

In Ocean City, New York, pinball machines may not be played on Sunday.

And, finally, something with which we can all get on board. According to www.dumblaws.com, in New Mexico, idiots are not allowed to vote.

Next time you find yourself cursing our state’s forefathers as you bitterly pour your beer from a bottle to a cup so you can step outdoors, stop and think. It could be way worse.

The Junction City forum on the web site “Topix” — just Google it, because we don’t want to link to such trash here on Between Editions — has crossed the line.

Folks on there are spouting such utter bunk that I can no longer ignore it.

A gentleman inquired about El Dorado on the forum and asked members if there were any wrestling teams in our area — his son is on a team in Texas.

Many on the site responded with uneducated, hate-filled remarks about the man’s son. Some even went so far as to suggest that the boy might be a homosexual because he likes to wrestle.

These are the same people who are spreading lewd comments about those running for certain offices here in the county.

To these people I say this: It is so unfortunate that you are allowed to express your ignorant views on the Internet. You are not only doing harm to yourselves, but to our community as a whole.

What do you hope to accomplish by talking like a fifth grader who has just learned new words from a bathroom stall? Respond to that, dear Topix bloggers.

Hope everyone has a good one. See ya Monday.

We fooled everyone pretty good with our first installment of “Satire Wednesday.” By now, hopefully everyone realizes that Murphy Oil isn’t planning to construct a 150 story building in downtown El Dorado.

The structure, however, is very real. But it’s being built a half a world away in the United Arab Emirates.

This stunning glass tower is called Burj Dubai, and will top out somewhere over 150 stories. The actual height is a closely guarded secret. Never before has such a tower been built, and if you’re anything like me and love architecture, it’s an exciting thing to see.

I thought that everyone might like to know the real story behind the fictional Boomtown Tower. So click here for Burj Dubai’s official web site.

**NOTE** The web site is graphics intensive and may take a while to load, especially if you are on a dial-up connection.

It’s getting a little tiresome, all this political mumbo jumbo. Promises for this, pledges for that, but it all amounts to a bent fender on a ‘72 Buick. In other words, not worth much.

There is no way, for example, one particular candidate can change the way El Dorado does business, nor can they redirect tax money to a particular place. If elected, they can, of course, make suggestions, write proposals, and speak into their microphones at meetings in hopes that their ideas will pass muster.

It really bothers me how candidates have cute little tag lines like “I’ll change the world,” or “Vote for me because I’m the man who will bring you what you need.” These, of course, are facetious examples. I don’t want to single out any one person here.

Tip to politicians: Turn off the phony charm. Be real with voters. Don’t make promises you know are false and you know you can’t keep.

Instead of telling voters you will redirect something, say you will “work with other leaders to try and find a better formula.” At least that way you are covered. You can actually work with other leaders and try your best. You can’t do everything on your own, as your ads promise.

Another tip: No one wants to hear flowery superlatives in your speeches. They mean nothing. Adding that extra adverb just means that you spent time too much time writing your speech and not enough time figuring out how to better our state, county and city.

Keep it simple. Keep it real.

The El Dorado Promise now has its own YouTube channel, promoting the program that gives a free college education to students from El Dorado High School. Click here for access.

I’m told that there will be video updates featuring promise-related material. There are just two videos on the site now, both featuring signing day — the day when 281 EHS students signed their letters of intent to attend college.

Sorry for the sparse postings so far this week. It’s been pretty hectic. Know anything good? Please feel free to share it with us by clicking the comment box below.

Weather wise, today was horrific for Arkansas. Seven dead, scores more injured, and damage scattered throughout the state. Posts have been sparse today because I’ve been updating weather reports to give everyone the latest info as it becomes available.

It doesn’t appear that we will be seeing any significant weather today in Union County.

If you have something on your mind, feel free to let ‘er rip in the comment box below. This may be my last post of the day. In case it is, have a good weekend, and maybe I’ll see you at one of the many events going on this weekend in El Dorado.

Remember, the Mayhaw Festival will be held from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. tomorrow at the John Newton House, and Bugs, Bands & Bikes will be going on all day tomorrow downtown.

I created a special page, which you can access by clicking here, for Joan Hershberger’s Hawaiian vacation stories. Enjoy.

By Larry Singer
For Between Editions
On Wednesday, April 24, a photograph I took appeared at the top of the front page of the El Dorado News-Times. It featured an El Dorado police officer, Andrew Russell, checking on the welfare of a homeless man, Richard Smith, who was resting on the grass at the intersection of Washington and East Center.

The next day a letter from one of our readers, who was critical of the photo, appeared on the editorial page.

The reader felt that the photograph was inappropriate.

I am both grateful and honored that this reader (a) looked at the picture, (b) thought about the picture quite a bit and (c) was so affected she actually sat down and wrote my editor a letter about the picture.

I don’t agree that the picture was unsuitable or improper for several reasons.

As a photojournalist, I believe my job is to tell stories with photographs, and this picture really did tell a story.

While, at first glance, the image seems to show a police officer harassing a homeless person, nothing, as the caption explains, could be farther from the truth.

I had no idea Richard Smith was at the intersection until someone, who did not identify himself, called me and said a photographer from the paper really needed to capture Mr. Smith on film.

Shortly after I arrived, Officer Russell pulled up in his police cruiser, got out and, to my surprise, the first words out of his mouth were, “Hi Richard, how are you doing today?”

After a brief conversation, during which Officer Russell determined that Mr. Smith, who has chronic, long term physical medical problems, did not require transport to a medical facility, he told Smith to try and take care of himself and drove off to serve and protect elsewhere.

That was the story.

A kind, caring police officer took the time to care about someone who some might say has fallen between the cracks.

When I asked Richard Smith if he had any problems with his picture being in the paper, he said he did not.

While seeing a man laying in the grass on a rainy day may make some people uncomfortable, I believe the kindness shown by one human being to another far outweighs any possible discomfort some readers may feel about the plight of the homeless.

Pictures of the homeless are never fun to look at, but in this case, they can be really worthwhile.

Larry Singer is a photographer for the El Dorado News-Times.

It’s Wednesday, and what better day to introduce a new addition to Between Editions: Satire. I hope you enjoy our first installment, and for the future, every Wednesday we will feature some type of satirical article. The article will appear as a normal post, save for the ending, which will include a little tag line about satire, just in case some folks may think it’s real. Thanks, and enjoy today’s forthcoming satirical piece.