“First the Internet, then the world!”

Thousands of New Age worshippers, Doomsday predictors and vindicated pessimists flocked to a Guatemalan summit on Wednesday where Mayan religious leaders, having uncovered new insight into the Dec. 21, 2012, end of the world, made a startling announcement.

Further delving into documents discovered alongside the oft-interpreted ancient calendar that deemed the end of the world would come only days before Christmas 2012, Ahau Chamahez Chac, Mayan high priest, announced that religious analysts uncovered the name of the cataclysmic phenomenon that would ultimately swallow the earth in chaos and ruin.

“We’ve long known the end would come on Dec. 21,” he told the audience of foaming-at-the-mouth Doomsdayers. “What we didn’t know was the event that would officially begin the apocalypse which appears to translate as ‘FacebookMcGoogleTwitterLand.’”

Details are still short and could be forthcoming depending on further translation of the document, which has been sealed for thousands of years alongside the calendar, Chac said.

Reading from the release provided by religious analysis, other themes slowly appearing through the translation process seem to be jealousy, conceit and … “party cups,” he said, questioningly.

In other news, on the heels of his $1 billion purchase of Instagram, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday his ultimate intention to begin acquiring additional companies to pull under the social media umbrella he wields and Facebook unveiled its new slogan, “First the Internet, then the world!”

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