At the urging of local leaders who unknowingly took seriously a Satire Wednesday post on the News-Times’ Between Editions blog, El Dorado gunneries, Walmart and churches have been picked clean of tools in preparation for the rapid approach of the undead militia — i.e.: the 2012 zombie apocalypse.
Despite the graphic, “Satire Wednesday” splashed across the top of the page, local heads of government and economic developers tapped into their vast resources Wednesday to make the announcement via Facebook, Twitter and TV ads that hungry zombies suffering a serious case of solanum are making their way toward El Dorado with eyes and stomachs on brains, earlobes and ankles.
The piece, originally posted in July 2011, grabbed attention once again this week, advising that local leaders had considered tapping into TIPS Strategy funds with the idea of purchasing 10,000 units of the Zombie Apocalypse Preparation Kit 2023 to protect the citizenry from becoming nothing more than human ham sandwiches.
“Those afflicted first show symptoms like that of the flu, but rapidly deteriorate as the virus begins eating away at the portions of the brain that control hunger and help discern between plants, animals and other human beings,” Dr. Dee Deceased explained for the original piece.
However, that pronouncement garnered attention once more with frantic Google searches for the ZAP Kits which local leaders have deemed necessary for the impending doom.
In addition to the attempts to warn citizens from venturing out of their houses for the rest of the week until the undead realize they’ll have to fight a bit harder for their food, local leaders advised hoarding milk, bread, firearms and holy water in preparation for the “attack.”
Subsequently, Walmart, local gun shops and churches have all been overrun by a panicked mass attempting to protect its loved ones with the only tools available at this short notice.
Between Editions is flattered by the attention paid to it by local authorities who’ve now just started blocking off streets and quarantining areas of town where the afflicted have already been believed to have been spotted.