Haunted by the ghosts of bills brutally killed in both houses of the Arkansas Legislature, representatives of the state capitol confirmed today that emissaries of the Vatican have arrived in Little Rock to perform a necessary exorcism.
For months now, legislators have cowered in fear as they entered the nearly century old capitol building, terrified that they would become one of the many who speak in hushed whispers of floating legislation documents, pens held by invisible hands rewriting the text of bills long dead and apparitions of the cover pages of bills still stuck in limbo.
“It’s even rumored that every night when the clock strikes 3:15 a.m. every page of bills currently being considered by the Legislature transform into the pages of the bills killed last spring,” a representative, speaking on terms of anonymity, told Between Editions. “Those that see it happen think their eyes are just playing tricks on them, but they’re wrong. Dead wrong.”
Particularly disturbing, he added, are H.B. 1797, H.B. 1479 and S.B. 157 who continue to haunt their primary sponsors, appearing in their dreams mangled at the hands of the politicians who either voted them down or let them expire.
“We just stood by and did nothing,” he said, his eyes haunted.
Drawing his legs to his chest in his desk chair, the same representative dropped his tone as a spoke of the most recent myth surrounding H.B. 1797 — a bill requiring Arkansas voters to show identification when voting — which was viciously killed without a second thought, according to police reports.
“On cold nights a frosty wind runs through the hallway leading to the Senate State Agencies and Governmental Affairs meeting room where it was killed,” he said, shivering. “Oftentimes, that chilly breeze transforms into the image of the months-dead legislation circulating nearby voting booths and whispering about the afterlife it nearly reached.”
Sherry Cook, a public information officer of the capitol building, said though she’s heard the rumors of whispered apparitions, she’s not at all worried and believes strongly that the Vatican’s priests will be able to remove the “pesky poltergeists.”
In reference to an incident in which a 6-year-old boy was possessed during a field trip to the capitol for three minutes by S.B. 157 — a bill to require those receiving unemployment benefits to take sporadic drug tests — and began speaking rapidly about the need to find more discretionary spending to help pass the bill, she explained that he’s “perfectly fine now.”
“That was only like two minutes,” she said. “And it really screwed up our tour guide sales.”
Priests with the Vatican declined comment as they began preparing for the exorcism ritual with holy water, Bibles and beaded rosaries.