Champagne bottles were uncorked, fireworks lit and babies made in celebration of the discovery of an earth-like planet some 600-odd light years away on which the globe’s 99 percent voted earlier this week to exile the world’s 1 percent.
After acknowledging that the differences between the two classes couldn’t be solved through simple political means such as lifting the Bush-era tax cuts or economic means such as looking to produce more job options for those struggling to find work, the international 99 percent used its hefty majority to vote in favor of a series of bills to send the 1 percent to Kepler-22b, a planet similar to earth only a hop, skip and jump outside this galaxy.
Aided by coalitions of el 99 por ciento, 99 pour cent de la, 99 prosenttia, 99 posto and de 99 procent, among others, the United States’ 99 percent led the way in banishing the 1 percent to the earth-like planet which orbits its own star, Kepler-22. The world’s top earners will take flight for the planet sometime in 2012 following the election season, per the agreed-upon bills.
The earth-like structure of the first planet confirmed by NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope will be nearly perfect to host a land for the world’s 1 percent to occupy, a NASA scientist explained.
“The only problem,” she said, hesitating. “Is that the planet is likely comprised mostly by water… But they grew up in some pretty impressive houses, they must have had swimming pools, right?”
Rumored 1 percenters making the trip to Kepler-22b include top earners with Ford, General Motors and Chrysler and the so-called “Big Six.” Science fiction fanatics internationally have donned Vulcan ears and have begun lobbying their respective governments in Klingon to be approved for travel to the distant planet alongside the 1 percent.
In other news: Bands of occupiers appeared confused and without direction as the announcement was made and they realized they would need to find a new target for their angst.