After sinking $18,000 into the much-anticipated New Year’s Eve Festival, community leaders apologized today for what many citizens are calling a flop due to lackluster planning and complete ignorance of local insurance requirements.
The evening was initially touted as one that would top both Bright Friday and the Eighties Festival with a number of old New Year’s Eve traditions for the celebrants including, but not at all limited to, appearances by several world famous acts, fireworks and champagne, and, of course, an El Dorado rendition of Auld Lang Syne.
However, citizens ready for a night out on the town were unprepared for what awaited them on Dec. 31 after paying their $5 cover charge to enter Union Square.
“Who are Johnnie and Clarie?” queried an elderly woman sporting a “Marry me, Donny” shirt.
Attempting to calm the masses as they brandished canes, walkers and the occasional pair of teeth, event planners shouted over the angry din that though “the Osmonds unexpectedly became unavailable, they sent their southern cousins to fill in.”
Stomping in frustration over to the white tent set up on the western portion of downtown, celebrants were again horrified to discover that the reunion tour of Siegfried, Roy and their tiger — who have not been seen together since that “unfortunate incident” several years ago — did not turn out quite as expected.
Watching as Roy dangled a chew toy just inches from its fangs, the crowd gasped as a small tabby kitten took to the stage in a leap over a 5-year-old girl’s head.
Siegfried, who is much more schooled in the art of feline coercion, coaxed “Kit,” the 2-year-old Bengal cat to open her small mouth. Placing his finger trustingly between her fangs, he told the audience to keep quiet.
“Don’t make a peep,” he warned, a dark expression on his face. “And don’t try this at home.”
Organizers next apologized for the gaff that left revelers watching sparklers while drinking grape juice, explaining that while the juice in place of champagne was a simple ordering mix-up resulting from not reading the label clearly enough, the fireworks were an insurance oversight.
“There’s no way we could have gotten away with that without seriously screwing the pooch with the electrical lines,” one said.
“We’d hate to put y’all in the dark on New Year’s Day,” another said, brightly.
“And just wait ‘til you see what we have planned for New Year’s Day!” a third said.