Legislature shuts down school system, boosts big business

Fed up with the floundering economy, U.S. lawmakers forced through last-minute legislation during a special session Wednesday to shutter all public school systems and instead give every child $5,000 to start his or her own business.

It’s the perfect solution to the staggering recession, said U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky, who has time and time again fended off attempts by President Obama to push through his own jobs bill.

The one-time expenditure may outweigh Obama’s jobs bill by some five-to-one cost, but McConnell claims shuttering the country’s educational system is just the ticket to putting the national economy back on track.

“It’s not like our kids are learning anything in school nowadays anyway,” he said. “But where we fail educationally, we’ve traditionally always excelled capitalistically… well, until now.”

The measure will endow schoolchildren of any age from 5 to 18, the opportunity to utilize $5,000 in developing a local business to thrive in the country’s free-enterprise system, McConnell explained.

Children with big dreams of becoming “restaurant cookers,” astronauts and cowboys can start now before they’re bogged down with year upon year of “American education and standardized testing,” he said.

“Students with more schooling under their belts may have a hard time shucking off the years of creative repression than the younger ones, but that the federal funding will hopefully be enough to help them overcome those obstacles,” he said.

The movement has inspired its own series of protests with former teachers occupying the streets of their respective towns — “not to be confused with those Occupying their various cities for who one knows what reason,” according to a release from a national coalition of educators fighting to maintain their classrooms.

Ironically, the AP reports that several students in the north Arkansas region already moving forward with their dreams of starting a circus have hired their former professors to help out in the elephant tent.

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One Response to Legislature shuts down school system, boosts big business

  1. Rubi says:

    uhh, lets stick with the school system, or at least make them earn the $5,000 by doing public work projects.

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