Fed up with terrifying narcolepsy and enuresis sufferers out of their plastic-wrapped mattresses, iconic pop culture mass murderer and notorious nightmare stalker Freddy Krueger announced Wednesday that he is ready for a career change and instead of killing the nation’s youth, he will try his hand at educating them.
With his classic fedora still in place atop his head, Krueger traded out his traditional red and green striped sweater for more traditional teaching threads and a good burn ointment for his face as he turned in his application at El Dorado High School for a Anatomy teaching spot.
Though he had difficulty in filling out the application — the claws on his right hand acting as an obvious deterrent — and elicited more shrieks of fright from terrified students and administrators in the front office of EHS, Krueger explained he is paving the way for a more “monster tolerant” attitude within America’s public school system.
“I’m preparing for other devilish degenerates like myself to take on a role in shaping the country’s youth,” he said, creating divots in the countertop of the administration building with his gloved claw as he rhythmically tapped his fingers. “I know for a fact there are others out there who’ve long contemplated making the switch but worried about public perception over such a career change.”
Krueger attributed the professional switch he is taking and others are considering to the need for something more meaningful in their lives than instilling a fear of both sleep and the dark at a young age.
“It’s not that we’re not good at ripping, tearing and shredding. It’s not that we’re not excellent when forcing many sleepless nights for parents whose children have taken to their beds. It’s not that we can’t elicit cries of horror at our physical appearances. We can,” he said. “But now we’re looking for something more. And that’s why we do it.”
Admitting that his physical appearance isn’t only shocking, but also viscerally unappealing, Krueger said he is working with an undisclosed local physician and plastic surgeon on his options, but added that in the meantime, his bloody facial tissue and horrible grin might actually be an asset in the teaching world.
“How many times did you fall asleep in school?” he asked. “Do you think any kids here will be anything but wide-eyed awake while I’m in the classroom?”
Echoing Krueger’s sentiment, EHS Principal Jim Tucker said the high school would be more than lucky to benefit from one or two “monster” additions to its staff.
“I, for one, believe the students could benefit from the lesson in tolerance,” he said. “If a — to use a politically correct term — horror icon wants a position at El Dorado High School, I will support that.”
El Dorado School District Superintendent Bob Watson was unavailable for comment at press time.
Reportedly, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers will also seek positions at Union County schools, though no word yet as to which schools the two are considering.