As tornado, hurricane and snow storm seasons simultaneously approach, the Earth faced a new threat Wednesday when the planet’s God-given warranty was unexpectedly revoked resulting in a worldwide duct-tape shortage.
Terra’s warranty was limited, but included both parts and repair until its 5 billionth birthday or 100 trillionth mile — whichever came first, according to the contract.
As of Wednesday, Earth was only approaching its 4.55 billionth birthday and 91 trillionth mile, according to experts with the United States Geological Survey.
However, the Earth’s leaders recently defaulted on their end of the warranty when they ignored worsening conditions near the polar ice caps, let the rapid extinction of various plant and animal species slip their minds, and renewed old contracts with notorious chemical plants allowed to pollute the atmosphere, God wrote in a statement.
The home repair department in the El Dorado Wal-Mart was bare as early as 6:15 a.m. Wednesday morning — reflecting an international trend of emptying Wal-Marts — when President Obama made the announcement that he’d in fact received several notices that the Earth’s population was too closely tiptoeing the line of the warranty’s conditions and would need to clean up their collective act to ensure God’s continual help in repairing Nature when disaster strikes.
Unfortunately, Obama said, he put the notices on his desk and they “just somehow got lost in the mess.”
“I’m human! And I have other things to focus on!” he exclaimed. “And, after all, how can we make a change if I’m not reelected?”
From his California mansion, Harold Camping was reportedly jumping for joy after realizing that this time around his predictions may just come true.
“Only the Earth’s magnetic repair was keeping the apocalypse from dooming us all,” he said. “How long will that last without a warranty guaranteeing it?”
He now predicts the end of times will occur next Tuesday at 9:02 a.m. by way of fire and brimstone leaking up from the quickly deteriorating lithosphere. Subscribers of the Mayan calendar continue to disagree and maintain that the Earth itself will not expire until late 2012 — coinciding with the upcoming presidential election.
Obama explained that parts replacement will prove the toughest obstacle in repairing the planet when further disasters occur, noting that most will be difficult to find more than 4 billion years after they were created.
Mars Prime Minister Mghysuen ‘Marvin’ Gertyime — loosely translated from Martian — has offered parts from Chyna — one of Mars’ leading manufacturing nations — should the Blue Planet need replacement of out-of-market parts, Obama said.
“We’re creating a budget to cover the cost of new parts in our 2012 fiscal year budget,” he explained. “But shipping and handling on a new atmosphere from Chyna will likely wipe us out, and who even knows if it will even fit Earth properly. It’s not like we can afford to send it back.”