Apple: “Fax machines are the wave of the future”

In an unexpected and swiftly-executed maneuver, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the company would be shifting focus from the newly-release iPhone 4 and AirBook to fax machines, which he said is the mother from which all future technologies will be birthed.

Scrapping the technologies that have been deemed “revolutionary” by virginal techno-geeks and nerds of all kinds is only the first step in a four-pronged marketing montage directed at promoting all varieties of fax machines, Cook wrote in a statement.

“Fax machines were the wave of the 90s and now I’m bringing them back,” he said.

Acknowledging that the iPhone was “OK,” Cook later made a televised announcement that smartphones and MacBooks could only be surpassed by the second coming of the fax machine.

“Yeah, the iPhone was pretty darn cool,” he said. “I mean, it had Internet, email, apps, text messaging and a zillion other gadgets. Yadda yadda yadda. It was a nice idea.”

With obvious glee, he added, “But the fax machine can send a single piece of paper to the other side of the planet in as little time as it takes to dial a phone number, ring incessantly, connect to the accepting machine and print! Bam!”

The principle approach will be to first target the young crowd who, despite their obvious attachments to their smartphones — “the old school technology,” as Cook put it — lead the way in the march toward new technology — “If we can get them on board, we’re golden,” he added.

Studies show that children and teens no longer crave the instantaneous connection with the world that their brothers and sisters enjoyed with the advent of the smartphone, they enjoy being able to make a sandwich, watch some T.V. or clean the kitchen as their mothers asked hours ago, while they wait for the fax machine to dial out, Cook explained.

From there Cook said he’ll begin designing a new series of fax machines with large and brightened buttons that would be perfectly useable for even the most technologically-dense, glitter paper to attract the pre-teen crowd and sports team stickers to grab the Monday Night Football crowd.

The next step in his plan is to get the word out through pop-up ads — “which I know everyone really loves,” he said, and cell phone telemarketers.

Cook said he expects the maneuver to be even more lucrative than when the first iPods were released and plans to price his new line of fax machines accordingly, at $500 a pop.

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