Gates’ welfare application stutters stock market

The steady recovery process to the American economy took an unexpected and stuttering halt Wednesday when nearly every stock’s price plummeted after multi-billionaire Bill Gates was seen standing in line at the Arkansas Department of Human Services reportedly with an application for welfare in his hand.

Dressed down in jeans and a t-shirt, Gates — the father and kingpin of Microsoft and subsequently Windows — donned dark sunglasses, a backwards UAM Boll Weevil cap and a tragic expression on his once perfectly-botoxed face as he stood in line at the state agency with others whose paychecks have dwindled too much to sustain a monthly living.

According to the NASDAQ website, following the sighting, every stock save one was down at least 10 points with significant losses for EBay, Dell, Yahoo! Inc., Oracle and, of course, Microsoft.
Joe Caramello, the editor of The Wall Street Journal, was flummoxed at the sudden decline in stock prices and even more so at the crash of once financial powerhouse Gates.

“This isn’t something we’ve seen since the 2008 stock market crash which came only days after Charles Koch was spotted rooting through the bottom of his wallet for his very last pennies while grocery shopping,” he said. “I guess it’s just something to see — the wealthy down at our level of coupon-clipping and bargain-shopping.”

For his part, Gates was stunned, saying that in the early 2000s he never in his “wildest dreams” would have seen Macintosh grow so wildly popular that Windows would forever become an antiquated member of past technology.

The Apple Corporation was, in fact, the only stock saved the ax, advancing $112.56 in its stock prices, totaling out at $397.62 per a singular stock.

Apple top dogs Steve Jobs, Tim Cook and William Campbell had already popped the champagne and begun munching on caviar and crackers in celebration of the news when Between Editions called for a comment. None wished to make a comment but a distinct snicker and snort was heard as the news was revealed and a “no comment” issued.

The FBI, however, has reportedly launched an investigation into the possibility of ritual animal sacrifice and dark satanic pledges in the dredges of night as to the company’s success in lieu of the others’ failings.