English succumbs to Sarcasm as U.S. national language

Buffeting concerns that “those damn illegals are taking over everything,” the U.S. Census Bureau released a startling finding Wednesday morning that not English, nor Spanish, but Sarcasm is actually the national de facto language.

President Obama heralded the announcement with a proclamation that he “absolutely could not be happier with the switch.”

“Yes, the politically correct thing was ‘great’ for awhile,” he said, signaling with finger quotation marks. “But enough is enough. It’s time Americans said out loud what’s really on their minds and Sarcasm is genuinely the perfect dialect with which to do so.”

He added that he speaks Sarcasm fluently in the privacy of his home, often foregoing casual English for more mocking terms when he tells his two daughters that he thoroughly loves it when they leave their shoes in the hallway for him to trip over and cannot get enough piled up dirty dishes in the sink.

In an official release from the census bureau, Jack W. Eisenheim, the agency’s press relations manager, explained that the reveal came as no shock to the scientists sifting through years of built up data.

“Gradually, since the time of the 1950s when our citizenry was much more polite and please and thank you were a part of daily life, the American public has become much more caustic,” he said. “People who used to cry when spoken to in Sarcasm now employ many of its dialects as a primary method of communication in their daily lives.”

Sarcasm, the native tongue in a number of European nations, arrived in the United States during a mass emigration in the 1960s, Eisenheim said. It’s since spread rapidly, first starting in large cities and moving into smaller towns where the PC culture of the 1950s reined true up until the most recent Census count.

“The days of please and thank you and keeping a grin on your face while telling little white lies that those pants ‘so do not make your butt look big,’ are over, kaput,” Eisenheim said. “Political correctness and politeness are out, they’ve been pushed out of the way for a much more useful communication standard.”

Ironically, results of the Census’ study also yielded Pirate and Profanity as tied for the second most spoken languages, he said, followed shortly by Pun-Speak, 90s-Movie-Quote and Emoticon.

Regional dialects include Drunken Pirate Slur, Sarcastic Jerk and Redneckism.

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One Response to English succumbs to Sarcasm as U.S. national language

  1. Sara says:

    In southern Arkansas I hear a lot of redneck sarcasm. The problem is that you don’t know when danger is involved if you don’t “get it.”
    The best thing to do is if you see a gun – RUN.
    Bubba’s not being sarcastic then.

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