Statue elicits holy anger

An earthquake that blasted through Downtown El Dorado and Union Square Tuesday afternoon was likely the result of God attempting to smite the small southern Arkansas town after it erected a 90-foot tall statue of Barack Obama right next to the Union County Courthouse, officials stated.

Though the United States Geological Survey only previously put the chance of an earthquake at .656 percent within 50 kilometers of El Dorado, scientists and engineers were shocked when the 6.2 magnitude quake shook downtown at 2:12 p.m. Tuesday, strangely making the jump from the massive quake along the eastern seaboard just to hit El Dorado.

Their only estimation is that the erection of such a tall democratic towering statue must have angered God to such a point that He decided to show his displeasure with the town’s political prowess.

The courthouse and surrounding buildings were quickly evacuated and bystanders stood on Main, Washington, Elm and Jefferson streets in shock as the massive statue shook with each roiling wave of the earth.

Dwarfing the courthouse, the statue’s ears — argued to be the most prominent portion of the blue-gray sculpture — provided quite a fire hazard at their 10-foot dangling span, explained El Dorado Fire Chief Floyd McAdoo.

“At this point we’re still trying to determine the specific possibility of one of them dropping on a passerby,” he said, surveying the damage from the ground. He cautioned those examining the structure’s new cracks to take care when approaching the giant Obama.

Tow trucks from the Union County Highway Department attempted to move the sculpture’s right hand which came tumbling down onto both the mayor’s and judge’s trucks which were parked under the statue during its unveiling in the joint county-city project.

Union County Emergency Manager Jerry Thomas was abashed to discover the Obama statue clutching a minuscule piece of paper which he could not recall being built into the structure.

Emergency workers were able to read the words “4, 1961” and “Kapiolani Mat —” before a fire brought on by an aftershock consumed the entire statue.

Thomas reported that none were injured in the dual incidents though there is not estimate to the damage as of yet.

In related news, Harold “Doomsday” Camping is currently hosting an “I Told You So” party at his California mansion.

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