Aiming to bolster funding for Udders, the newest of adult entertainment (and eateries) to hit El Dorado, the mayor proposed a 2 percent tax on only the meanest of the area’s citizens — bringing instant relief to 4 percent of the city’s population.
The tax will only affect the most self-serving and unscrupulous of the city’s residents, El Dorado Mayor Frank Hash said.
Those in consideration for the tax include people who cut in line at the grocery store, those who assign point values to senior citizens crossing the street against the light, and individuals past the age of 25 who give heavy thought to pantsing their siblings in public for a laugh.
“We’ve dealt with this segment of the population for most of their lives,” said Hash, a long-ago sibling pantsing victim himself. “It’s only fair that they take on the largest increase in taxes as we prepare to bring a new facility into the city’s bounds.”
Heavy criticism has been levied against the proposal by self-admitted road ragers, parking spot thieves, those who smoke around pregnant women and El Dorado’s wealthiest 87 percent since it came in front of the city council for a first reading last week.
Outraged that she was selected for the list after she was issued repeated traffic tickets by officers with the El Dorado Police Department for reckless driving, crude hand gestures and excessive horn honking as she wove through rush hour traffic to get the prime lead spot in line, Bertha Small shoved to the front of the crowd shouting her irritation at the mayor.
“Excuse me, but I don’t get why my taxes should have to go up just because I drive fast,” she said, pointing out that the sale she was attending was indeed more important than the ambulance she sideswiped on the way. “I mean, isn’t there like anything I can do?”
However, per regulations within the potential legislation, the mayor responded that her “meanie” status wouldn’t shift until the end of this tax year and only if she cleaned up her aggression behind the wheel.
Pushing his way through the crowd which was increasingly becoming more agitated as they began reaching into their bags for tomatoes and preparing their wedgie hands, Jack Posterelli asked, “Why should we have to take the brunt of this tax?”
He then growled and spit a dull pink wad of Bubblicious chewing gum onto the sidewalk directly in the line of foot traffic swelling around the mayor’s podium.
Standing by in swat suits, officers with the El Dorado Police Department prepared for pandemonium as murmurs of flushies and noogies were elicited in whispers from the crowd.
They estimated that 18,128 El Dorado citizens turned out with their concerns.