For those who fear having their brains ripped from their skulls or worry that gray matter will wreak havoc on their fillings, the Center for Disease Control has the perfect solution in case 200 frothing-at-the-mouth members of the undead militia come over to borrow a cup of sugar.
The Zombie Apocalypse Preparation Kit 2023 (a.k.a. the ZAP Kit) comes replete with all the basics for staving off an attack of those suffering from a satiety deficiency.
First and foremost, the ZAP provides basics such as food, water, sanitation and a first aid kit — “though please avoid being bitten at any cost,” the accompanying guide warns.
However, it’s the supplementary items (for an additional $19.99) that the CDC says will make the difference between surviving doomsday and becoming a human ham sandwich. These resources help the user go on the offense against the living dead with a large white cross, holy water and a King James version Bible.
Though typically the holier ware has been associated with fighting an entirely different type of undead (see “vampires”), these pieces of the extended ZAP will also function well against any zombie, said Dr. Dee Ceased, who was the initial scientist to work with the aberrant strain of virus known to cause Solanum — “zombie-ness,” she explained.
“It may have started with silly references in ‘28 Days Later’ and ‘I Am Legend,’ but the feasibility that one poorly cooked hamburger could cause zombie-like characteristics is not such a long-shot,” she said. “We’ve been able to isolate the virus but haven’t come far in discovering how it’s made or how to combat it.”
“Other than to douse it with a heavy spray of holy water, of course,” she said, laughing.
Those afflicted first show symptoms like that of the flu, but rapidly deteriorate as the virus begins eating away at the portions of the brain that control hunger and help discern between plants, animals and other human beings, Dr. Ceased explained.
“Essentially it could turn the world’s biggest vegetarian into a bona fide carnivore with eyes only for your left foot,” she said.
Though there is no cure for Solanum, Dr. Ceased said the ZAP will help stave off a virus-transferring bite until you and your loved ones can make your way to one of the many international shelters for refugees looking for a quiet night of sleep that doesn’t involve clutching an AK 47 and a grenade.
However, she pointed out, the closest to the United States is in Mexico — “So make sure to have your passport and other important documents when you travel,” she said.
El Dorado Mayor Frank Hash and the El Dorado aldermen have already teamed up with the Union County Health Unit to purchase a number of emergency ZAPs for those who can’t afford even the basic pack.
The money to provide the ZAPs — approximately 10,000 basic packs will be purchased — was appropriated from the TIPS fund. Though some discussion arose as to the intelligence of using dollars meant to propel El Dorado forward economically, Hash pointed out that should zombies take over El Dorado, there won’t be a town to economize.
“Look, these guys aren’t going to be negotiable when it comes to El Dorado,” he said. “They’ll eat their way through all 18,883 — or was that 18,884? — anyway, they’ll gulp down our entire population without so much as another thought.”
He continued, “No one, even those who don’t have the money, should feel the need to flee El Dorado for the closest fallout shelter. We will prepare our people.”
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I’m guessing that the inability of the public to recognize satire has caused you to put that huge graphic disclaimer up there.
You guess correct. It’s unfortunate too, but this keeps the less satire savvy from gathering up tar, feathers and their lynching ropes in an attempt to storm the News-Times.
My second guess is that it won’t make any difference since you didn’t include the full definition of “satire.”
See!…..I thought it was gonna snow!
this isn’t satire…this is real…i knew it
I think for those that got all worked up you would need to put “The Following is a F&^%ing Joke. For them to understand it.
Look at the plus side. At least you know people are reading the blog.
Hmm… now that’s an idea…
I laughed out loud at the Doctor’s name! I know a couple that would make a good nickname for because it is what happens to their patients!
Lone Reader I second the motion! Take away the big black and blue heading and replace it with what LR said! Too funny!
Thanks admin for another Wednesday laugh! Too bad I was late checking last week because with all the fuss about it it HAD to have been good! Keep up the good work for those of us ‘loyal’ followers of the Blog, please!
Walmart have any gun specials?
PS, I looked up recepies for “Zombie” drinks. If you aren’t a Zombie, these drinks sound like they could turn you into one. Lets all get together at a local establishment and toast the news papers satire stories.
Thanks, AFM and Can crusher! I’m glad you’re enjoying the satire posts.
I’d also like to make it clear that the graphic denoting it’s Satire Wednesday wasn’t my idea. However, any comments concerning the black and blue sign can be emailed and printed as letters to the editor at editorial@eldoradonews.com.
This article sounds like an advertisement for the TV show, “The Walking Dead”.
Good one, Allison. Keep them coming!
Allison, just wanted to let you know, it’s pronounced “ham sammich”.
“Well, I guess it’s time for a sammich…” ?
Allison, your characterization of what happened is not correct at all. Those “less savvy”, as you called them, didn’t storm the News-Times. They stormed City Hall, the Judge’s office, the Chamber of Commerce, City Council, and so on. Regardless of whether or not the article was intended to be satire (and that is questionable, if you read the definition of satire), the end result was that those you call “less savvy” were upset with every person and organization that was mentioned in the article. Those people and organizations were the victims, not the newspaper. This “poor little misunderstood us” attitude does not do you or the newspaper any good.
JPP
The longer you all fixate on it, the more trouble it’s going to cause for those same organizations. I made my apologies to them, now let’s all move on.
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