Prosecutor tries out new release program

In an effort to control the ever burgeoning prison population at the Union County Jail, where inmates are said to sleep three to a bed, 13th District Prosecuting Attorney Robin Carroll said today he’d be releasing all prisoners who exhibited likable personas.

With approximately 200 beds to house the rapidly increasing number of inmates taking up residence at the jail, Carroll said he would begin sending deputy prosecutors to speak with each individual inmate for several minutes to get a good feel of their specific personalities.

“It might seem like they’re hardened criminals when in reality they just had too many narcotics pumping through their systems when they were originally arrested,” he said. “After they’ve detoxed and then calmed down a bit, they might be completely reasonable citizens.”

He continued, “It’s likely that the swipe they took at the armed deputies escorting them into the jail was just the result of the cocktail of controlled substances they’d mixed for themselves the night before.”

Not all inmates are completely dangerous, Carroll said, explaining that by letting out the non-impetuous prisoners — including drug dealers, thieves and even some batterers “if they smile enough” — will open up prison beds for those who really need to be behind bars.

“Like those hot check violators,” Carroll said, shuddering.

Each deputy prosecutor will chit chat with every inmate for no more than five minutes about whatever “strikes their fancy,” he said. By the end of the conversation, each prosecutor should have a good idea of whether the criminal will go out again to repeat the same crime.

Setting a prisoner loose will be entirely based on four criteria: 1) Number of times, to what degree and non-plotting smiles, 2) How often they laugh and whether it’s of the “mwahahahaha” variety, 3) Their ability to communicate general happiness to the prosecutor, and 4) Overall likability.

“The prosecutors should be able to develop a good gut-feeling about the prisoner’s capacity for violence based on those characteristics,” he said.

Unconcerned that a certain population of the criminals let loose might skip happily across state lines and out of local law enforcement’s reach, Carroll said he has complete confidence in the Union County Sheriff’s Office and El Dorado Police Department when it comes to keeping the streets clean.

“And it’s not often that violators purposely miss out on their court dates, right?” he said.

Hannibal “The Renderer” Dawmer, who has been incarcerated at the Union County Jail since October 2010 after he was arrested on three counts of possession of a controlled substance (methamphetamine, crack cocaine and hydrocodone), theft of property for $10,000-plus, driving while intoxicated, cannibalism and a violation of the Arkansas hot checks laws, was pleased with the opportunity to prove himself worthy of release.

“I really am quite a pleasant type of guy,” he said, his eyes shifting from side to side as drool flecked to the floor with each word. “I smile quite frequently, am typically very happy and almost never laugh menacingly.”

Dawmer, 52, who has been in and out of prison since his original arrest in 1991 after the bodies of several neighborhood cats were uncovered in his backyard in the 100 block of East Elm Street, along with a repertoire of firearms, narcotics, lotion and what appeared to be human remains, smiled nonchalantly as he explained that he was sure he would impress the prosecutors.

“After all, it’s been a long time since I even bit someone,” he said, earnestly.