Members of the El Dorado-Union County Water Commission revealed a long-standing secret during a press conference Wednesday morning: There is something in the water in Union County.
Though current arguments debate the pros and cons of fluoride in the water, Commission President Harry Stone told the community that years ago a conspiracy to cure an incredibly common but distinctly unacknowledged medical issue was hatched.
Obliquitophrenia Syndrome, he explained, is “an incapacity to fully attain complete logical acumen.”
The decision to add aptuoride, a counteragent, to the water was made in 1996 following widespread outbreaks of Obliquitophrenia Syndrome — commonly referred to as OS — across America beginning in the 1970s and increasing in frequency from coast to coast as time went on, Stone said.
The causes of OS are highly unknown at this time but symptoms often arise as early as puberty and are revealed by a lack of common sense, inability to enjoy complex humor and total gullibility. Stone warns that anyone experiencing these symptoms should see a medical professional right away.
Members of the water commission explained that the big reveal was made when they realized the levels of liquid aptuoride had been too low to make enough of a difference over the past 15 years. The new goal, Water Commission Vice President of Operations Tony King said, is to ensure everyone receives the proper dosage of the counteragent by providing aptuoride via oral medication.
“This is a big problem for not just Union County and El Dorado, but the entire country,” he said. “We need to be immunizing infants and treating adults before the disease spreads beyond what we can safety control.”
Urging citizens not to panic, Stone told the community that though the origins of OS are still unknown, the disease is curable with the proper medication, which he added would soon be available at pharmacies, Walgreens and the Union County Health Unit as soon as it could be manufactured.
No one, he added, has ever died of OS, though the symptoms themselves can be fatal.
Community leaders and health professionals huddled together following the announcement, discussing options for bringing an aptuoride manufacturer into El Dorado.
“We’ve got a jump on everyone else because at least we’re willing to admit there is a problem,” said former El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President Don Wales, who spearheaded the early efforts to add aptuoride to the water. “Now we just have to leverage that to bring a new company to the area.”
“And, of course, begin mass production of aptuoride immediately,” he continued.
Health Unit Administrator Susan Blake, who was on the original task force devoted to developing a cure for OS, said she’s optimistic about bringing the cure to South Arkansas.
“The good thing is we identified the problem early on and have been working since the 90s for a cure,” she said.