Dodging tomatoes, picket signs and Bibles, members of the Chippendales Coalition announced today that they would be petitioning the City of El Dorado for a permit to allow them to build a permanent facility on Main Street.
Chippendales Emporium Director Tony Love expressed his disbelief that the strip show and shop might not be welcome in the small southern town.
“It’s the kind of business that every small town is vying for nowadays,” he explained to the crowd of local politicians and community leaders. “My guys bring more traffic to a town than a Las Vegas showgirl strutting her stuff would bring to your local pub!”
He added, “Our goal is to turn El Dorado into the new Las Vegas! All in honor of the new ‘It’s Showtime!’ theme!”
New additions to the Chippendale Emporium will include posters, magnets and coffee mugs all featuring photos of the G-string-clad men as well as a complimentary pair of edible undies or bow tie for anyone who enters the shop on the day of its opening, tentatively set for early July, Love said.
In addition to the clothing, memorabilia and music sold at the store daily, the men will host two shows a week, once on Tuesdays and the other on Thursdays, he said.
Union County Sheriff Mike McGough endorsed the idea telling the crowd that he’d even donate the slot machines from a recent raid to the Chippendales for use in their new facility.
“Hey, whatever keeps the little old ladies out of the crack,” he said, laughing at his own pun.
El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President and Chief Executive Officer Henry Florsheim and Main Street El Dorado Director Mark Givens both seemed squeamish with the idea of having the striptease band take up shop in the city’s historic downtown, but agreed that the extra business would be a plus for economic-strained El Dorado.
“They brought so much business the first time they were in town that it almost seems worth the extra police effort necessary to ensure the men and their fans aren’t mauled by the protesters outside each show,” Givens said.
“It’s all in the name of economic development,” Florsheim added, cringing slightly as Tex Hammer Buns made a move to hug him for his support.
“No, no that’s OK, thank you,” Florsheim told the bow-tied man.
El Dorado Mayor Frank Hash said he would bring the initiative up to the city council and expected it to pass with flying colors, even going so far as to say the El Dorado A&P Commission might foot some funding for the venture.
As Love jokingly held up a bow tie in front of the blushing mayor, Hash said, “I can’t say I’d personally be comfortable with attending a Chippendales event, or even going into the store for that matter. But right now we’re trying to work out a gentleman’s agreement with these guys.”
Protesters elicited cries of rage, picketing the announcement with signs proclaiming their disgust that El Dorado would even consider welcoming the “lustful show of sexual immorality.”
However, on the other side of the fence, a number of women stood up for the Chippendales’ attempt to receive permitting for their show.
“This isn’t out there for children to see,” Connie Heartthrob said. “Unlike Wal-Mart where you can witness guys with their pants sagging way below their bottoms at any time of the day.”
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You do realize that “satire” shares 3 letters with “satan,” right?
This might have been a little more entertaining had it been posted 4/1.
“Chippendales Dancer” has 18 letters which equals 6+6+6.
Are you two trying to scare the poor Catholic girl away from writing satire? Last I checked only the nuns or a marathon round of “The Exorcist” could do that.
This is very upsetting to allow this in a town that we try to make family friendly. If he wants Las Vegas, let him move his business there. This isn’t Las Vegas the last time I checked. And I’m disappointed that the Sherriff is pushing for this and so eager to help.
Whooosh
Somebody PLEASE let Ms. Wilson in on the Satire Wednesday theme…
Not many people understand satire anymore. Most of the people who don’t understand satire are thespians who masticate daily in the privacy of their own homes, though sometimes they do masticate in public.
So when are you going to cover the story about Hooters buying a plot of land near the new high school?
Next on my list, James.
If it brings in businesses and jobs, its a plus in my book but it doesn’t matter really becasue everytime a national business comes into this town our local workforce ends up running it into the ground.
Now you’ve gone and done it Allison, admitted you are a Catholic. There will be those that say all of the stories your write are assinged to you by Satan and/or the Pope. Not that some of the Southern Baptists and other far right wing churches around here see any difference in the two.
Darn, Lone Reader, you’re right! Oh well, I’m from Phoenix, they were going to shun me as an outsider eventually.
I found the Satire very amusing. I would have figured that the names “Tony Love” and “Connie Heartthrob” would have made people realize it was a joke though. Guess it goes to show people will believe anything. Keep up the good work and pleas continue with the Satire. A good laugh from time to time is good for the soul!