Flying in the face of the royal wedding Friday, El Dorado Mayor Frank Hash and his longtime girlfriend — the innocuous woman oft-seen on his arm at various El Dorado happenings — are planning to best Kate and William tomorrow with a glitzy wedding of their own.
“I don’t want to offend anyone and we’ve tried to work a gentleman’s agreement with Mr. Mountbatten-Windsor (William’s seldom-used last name), but we just can’t seem to get across that an El Dorado wedding is just as important as a royal one,” Hash said Wednesday morning as he tried on tux jackets and bow ties in his office.
“Maybe it’s an accent barrier,” he added in his Southern drawl.
Referring to the hype surrounding the royal wedding, Hash was surprised that it took this long for the local media to take note of his upcoming nuptials, despite the enormous golden arch erected just yards from the courthouse where he and his fiancee will pledge themselves to one another.
Though Kate’s dress may, in fact, be a work of dreams and the result of some 10,394 hours of labor, Hash’s tux will be one talked about in El Dorado for years to come. Replete with a rhinestone cummerbund and shoes to match, the former army man plans to present his bride with her very own musket, in the place of a wedding band.
“It took some convincing,” Hash said, chuckling. “But she finally opened up to the idea when I told her we’d change the city ordinance for the wedding and allow her to shoot it off once following the ceremony.”
He continued, “Now you don’t see William changing city ordinances for his bride, do you? No.”
For her part, the innocuous woman is pleased to finally be receiving some real attention of her own after a hearty campaign season walking at Hash’s side without ever even being named by the media.
“It’s about time,” the innocuous woman said. “Every time Frankie sneezes, the media reports it. It’s my turn in the limelight.”
Like Kate, the innocuous woman is more than prepared to take on a more public role within El Dorado’s royal circles and excitedly shared her guest list for the Thursday evening event.
“The Masons will be here, as will the entire Murphy family,” she said. “We sent out an invite to Barack [Obama] because we heard he hadn’t gotten an invitation to Kate and William’s wedding, which we thought was just tacky, but he hasn’t replied.”
She added in a scathing tone, “Unfortunately, John Elton, Fergie and dear old David [Bowie] are attending the Kate’s wedding.”
The royal (British) couple declined to comment.