Oil companies petition for conference center destruction

Southern oil mongers have cooked up a new one with a petition to tear down the El Dorado Conference Center after the discovery of oil wells beneath the facility was made early this morning.

The $18 million firmly planted in the investment of the newly-completely conference center is pennies compared to what could be reaped from the oil discovered miles beneath the facility, two El Dorado oil company representatives said today during a press conference that quickly escalated to nothing more than a shouting match.

Community leaders and members expressed outrage at the meeting following the discovery, arguing that the conference center was meant to bring economic development to the area, not destroy it.

“Destroying the conference center will only serve to knock economic prosperity to the lowest rung of the ladder in our community,” one shouted out during the meeting. “The times where the oilers ran the town is long over. Those days are done. Kaput. It’s time for them to accept it!”

Representatives from the companies combatted the surging anger from within the masses hoping to pacify the crowd with a promise of bringing more jobs to the area and an influx of new technology to first knock down the building and then pull the oil from the wells.

Unsatisfied, the audience began protesting loudly, multiple voices straining to be heard over the roar of the crowd as the oil company representatives leaned back from the podium, the whites of their eyes beginning to show.

“This is simply the next logical step for El Dorado and Union County,” a representative said. “It’s the only way we’re going to pull our population numbers up, and put our economic prosperity back solidly in our own hands.”

Still not sated, the crowd began shouting back.

“You’re slowly destroying our environment!” a women holding her small (and terrified) son shouted.

“You can’t seriously want to do this, we spent years of work and tax dollars getting the conference center up and running, it’s the jewel of our city!” a college spokesperson yelled.

“What about the $18 million we put into the facility?” a woman asked her friend over the din.

Cringing as the intensity of the crowd compounded, the oil reps tried one last time to state their case.

“This is something we need to do for our community,” one said. “It would simply be irresponsible not to explore all our options for economic development and maybe the conference center just isn’t it.”

DISCLAIMER: This is an April Fool’s joke, not to be taken seriously. No oil has been found beneath the El Dorado Conference Center and if it had been a media blitz so strong it’d out-bench a professional weight lifter would have been heard even in Columbia County.

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This blog is brought to you by the El Dorado News-Times, the Voice of South Arkansas.
This entry was posted in BREAKING NEWS, Business, By Allison Gatlin, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Oil companies petition for conference center destruction

  1. brian welch says:

    that is a heck of an april fools joke you all pulled i figured you all have some fun with that

  2. ArVet says:

    Y ou had your “gotcha” moment with me after I read the entire first paragraph.

  3. Alex says:

    makes me miss satire wednesdays

  4. Admin says:

    I just finished reading through those the other day, they were definitely entertaining! Keep your eye on the blog, I have a few Satire Wednesday ideas cooking in the back of my brain right now.

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