Barack Obama’s ascension as the first African-American president of the United States was nothing short of extraordinary. Pumped forward by a young demographic excited about the prospect of promised change, his victory over Republican John McCain was lauded for shattering 200 years of history.
But what if it had never happened? What if early struggles had short-circuited his promising political career before it even had a chance to take off? What if a combination of shady politics, conservative baby-boomer numbers and a mental break by John McCain — who finally succumbed to the years spent as a prisoner of war — instead pushed Sarah Palin even more firmly into the spotlight to become the front runner for the Republican Party? What if the people chose Palin to become the new president of the United States? What then?
Politics, life and the world would be very different.
2008: Celebrations by right of the right pundits tout Palin’s rise to the highest office in the country as the newest breakthrough for women since 2007 when Britney Spears reminded all of us that it is perfectly normal, sane and OK for women to shave their heads, that the bald-head look can work for you too!
2009: Churches are overrun with heterosexual marriage while abortion clinics continue to shut down as their doctors and homosexual citizens begin to mysteriously disappear.
2010: In need of a new vice president after McCain, following his departure from reality, finally hermits himself in one of his eight Arizona homes, she appoints daughter Bristol to the office after the younger Palin announces her intention to major in public speaking. Not content with only a TLC reality show, the two decide that a countrywide mother/daughter/president/VP Dancing with the Stars tour is in order and take off, carrying their official duties with them on the road.
2011: Making a terrible dance duo (neither Palin can salsa to save her life), the two are finally booed off the stage and must go into hiding after passing legislation to interexchange the first and second amendments, thereby creating a “blood libel” between leftist journalists who vow to use the written word to obliterate her.
2012: Amazingly, and against all odds, Palin is reelected, running under the protection of the Tea Party, which drafted her from the Republican Party — who were more than happy to get rid of her following the infamous attempt to overturn Roe v. Wade in 2009.
2013: Sluicing off the dust from years of struggle, Matel finally pulls itself out of the rut by creating a Sarah Doll a la the Sasha and Malia Dolls. Complete with a gun, a caribou action figure and a “Don’t ya know” drawstring, the doll dispenses Palin nuggets of wisdom while the miniature gun puffs out lifelike powder each and every time a tiny “click” can be heard.
2014: On and off again Bristol and Levi unite (again) only to be broken up by Mommy who immediately whisks her daughter into a marriage with Nick Jonas because, despite the two-year age difference, Palin Sr. is attempting to appeal to a younger demographic.
2015: However, Palin’s gun obsession begins to worry her family and they put her up in the Betty Ford Clinic (which apparently hosts druggies as well as way-too-enthusiastic gun enthusiasts). However, a scuffle with Lindsay Lohan (who is now a permanent resident of the clinic) lands Palin in not-so-small claims court where she must pay Lohan the very reasonable sum of $11 million in emotional and physical damages.
2016: Completely broke, Palin takes up competitive lawnmower racing to pay off her lawsuit bills and is surprisingly well-received by her followers. Palin becomes the first president to break term limits and is elected yet again by a charged sports-fan demographic. Lawnmowers become all the rage.
2017: The United States enters a time of prosperity as lawnmowers and bump-its pull the economy out of a long-running recession.
2018: Palin announces her plan of world domination, starting with the frozen tundra to the north. American-Canadian tensions rise as Palin vows to end all exports to our northern neighbor, starting with bump-its which have become a worldwide phenomenon.
2019: Tiny Fey is hired as a body double for Palin, who travels to North Korea where she is determined to take over nuclear operations. Donning camo and her own two guns (“Alphie” and “Tiger”) she breaks into their nuclear facility, takes over operations and announces herself queen of North Korea.
2020: President/Queen Palin launches a nuclear weapon at Canada. It’s intercepted. Hillary Clinton is elected president.