After years of secretly eating little children and scaring old people out of their Depends, the Lisbon Goon said Wednesday during a press conference at the Norphlet crater that he has come out from the shadows to do “something good for the community.”
The first step, Goon said, was to hire a publicist and come up with a new name.
“With a name like Lisbon Goon, I don’t expect to have many job opportunities come my way,” he said.
Goon stands 7 feet tall and is covered in thick tufts of black hair. He smells of swamp gas and has years of dirt matted into his face.
“Oh, yeah, and after I get a new name, I’m shaving all this fur off and buying a new Brooks Brothers suit,” Goon said, joking with the audience.
Officials with the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission were on hand asking Goon questions about his family background. Goon told them that his family was from the Norphlet area, rather than Lisbon, and that his grandfather moved to Union County during the oil boom days.
“We hid in the woods and hollers around here, eating whatever children we could find,” Goon said. “It was a meager existence, but we got by.”
When asked if any charges would be filed against Goon for eating children over the years, 13th Judicial District Prosecuting Attorney Robin Carroll said that it wasn’t likely since Goon was technically “not a person.”
Goon said he stopped eating children in the 1990s and is now a vegetarian.
“It’s sort of like in the old days when folks used to eat tripe,” Goon said. “We used to eat children, but we don’t anymore. It’s sort of frowned upon.”
Goon said he is currently the only member of his family living in Union County; the others are in Louisiana and have no plans to return here.
As for a new career, Goon said he might move to El Dorado and run for mayor or city council. He also apologized to current El Dorado Alderman Vertis Mason for “giving her a scare” several years ago outside her home.
“She thought I was a bear, so I was a little offended by that,” Goon said. “But I think Mrs. Mason and I will get along great. I look forward to working with her professionally.”
Mason could not be reached for comment Wednesday.
By Wednesday afternoon, news of Goon’s emergence had spread all over the world. Other Goons in Ohio, Kentucky and California also came out of hiding with plans of entering the workforce.
Goon said that he is currently in talks with El Dorado Chamber of Commerce President and CEO Don Wales about holding the First Annual Goon Convention in 2012 at the soon-to-be-built El Dorado Conference center.
Wales expressed excitement about the prospect.
“I think this is great for El Dorado,” Wales said. “Goon is great. And I think having a Goon convention here would really be a boost to our economy. We welcome them with open arms.”
