SARHC doctor offers tips on child behavior
Having behavioral issues with your kids? New studies show that as far as various schools of discipline go, an oldie is still, no doubt, a goodie. According to the South Arkansas Regional Health Center, children disciplined during their formative years using corporal punishment have been proven to become more productive teens and young adults.
However, according to SARHC resident child behaviorist Mike Dodd, in order to make parents’ efforts hit home, varying degrees of force should be used.
“All acts of rebellion, all bad deeds must be countered in accordance with their severity,” Dodd said.
Dodd illustrates this in his new book, Corporal Punishment For The New Millennium American Family, currently available through Marsh-Willis Press.
In Dodd’s book, diagrams, anecdotes, and situational references to his experiences as a child and with his own children are used to educate American parents who are, according to another SARHC official, “raising their kids to be hippies instead of red-blooded Americans.”
Chapter three of Dodd’s book outlines a punishment rubric for kids who get into fights or cause other physical confrontations resulting in a need for discipline.
“In the Biblical sense, violence only begets more violence,” Dodd said, “however, we have discovered through research at our testing facilities in Cambodia, Pakistan, and Calion, that this is simply not the case.”
The punishment recommended for children who start fights is a quick jab to the throat by a parent, teacher, or loved one.
“As an added bonus, catch them coming around a corner so they don’t expect it,” Dodd said. “Pain is a fickle mistress, but surprise is the key to truly altering a child’s behavior.”
Another chapter of the book is devoted entirely to offenses perpetrated by children during travel.
“In the event a parent is driving during adverse conditions, say, during a severe thunderstorm,” he said, “I recommend a maneuver I call ‘The Miss Daisy.’ A parent must rotate the shoulders in such a way that they can keep their eyes on the road, but still have a clear reach of the back seat. Then, pop the child squarely in the nose or teeth using a closed fist. Beat their friends, too, if they don’t step correct. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.”
Dodd urged parents to swerve the car for maximum effectiveness.
While many different situations are covered in various chapters, Dodd reserves the final chapter for parents who either feel their child’s perpetration is not covered in other chapters, or that the act itself is so heinous that extra force is warranted.
“For the worst of the worst, I recommend the ‘Flying Serpent Kick,’” he said. “This move was handed down by God, himself, to me through the sacred vessel of Mortal Kombat’s Liu Kang. It requires some acrobatic skill on the part of the administrator, but the results are priceless.”
A full-color, four by three foot poster of the ‘Flying Serpent Kick’ procedural diagram is available with the purchase of one of the first 500 copies of Dodd’s book.
In the event parents cannot perform the maneuver, Dodd recommends another substitution.
“Keep a cane under a recliner or wedged between a couch and an end table, and go for the knees every time [the child] passes by to head to the kitchen or computer,” he said. “Space the beatings out so the message is not lost.”
“Also,” he added, “they will come to associate pain with food and the Internet, therefore cutting down on the possibility that they’ll become Twinkie-gorging World of Warcraft players and Myspace addicts.”
Corporal Punishment For The New Millennium American Family is available now in all major retail chains.
For more information, contact the South Arkansas Regional Health Center.
