Between Editions

The El Dorado City Council met in special session on Monday to discuss adopting a city-wide ordinance that elected officials feel has a chance at becoming policy in the wake of Louisiana’s ban on sagging pants. El Dorado has taken aim at mustaches.

“I fully intend to shave my mustache in front of all citizens present at the next city council meeting,” El Dorado Mayor Mike Dumas said. “Not only is it a filthy tradition, but it’s French.”

If passed, the ban would make wearing a mustache a Class C misdemeanor, the penalfy for which is a stiff fine for first offenders.

“It’s basically like getting a traffic ticket,” said Dumas, “but repeat offenses will be punishable by additional fines and community service.”

While the entire city council echoed Dumas’ support for passing the ordinance , several officials were on hand to voice staunch opposition.

“The day I shave this thing off my face is the day I’m sent out of this county on the horse that I rode in on,” said a proudly-mustachioed Sheriff Ken Jones. “I’ve had this ‘stache since I was 11 and I’ll be damned if some white-collar legislation says I can’t have it anymore.”

Jones’ defense of lip hair was buttressed from a suprising source, his former rival in Tuesday’s Preferential Primary Election, Bryan Baker.

“I agree with my former opponent,” Baker said. “You can take my mustache from my cold dead face!”

Outside City Hall, an alderman, who wished to remain anonymous, shared his distress at the idea of a municipal injunction on mustaches.

“It’s heinous, I mean, it’s just… it’s unconstitutional,” he said. “What’s next? Ponytails?”

Downtown propertymonger Richard Mason weighed in on the law.

“Look, you know, the ‘70’s are over. It was great while it lasted and, in my day, ladies loved the ‘stache,” he said. “But we have to create a more positive image for Arkansas’ Original Boomtown, and no tobacco-chewing, snuff-spitting, drunk-on-the-sidewalk blue collar laborer could ever present such a disgusting image as a group of men with mustaches. What’s right is right.”

The council has agreed to put the new ordinance to a vote at their June 5 meeting. As always the public is welcome to attend, but, according to Dumas, “no public show of force will change a thing.”

“The ‘stache has had its time,” he added. “For God’s sake we’re not cavemen anymore. Let’s evolve beyond facial hair and help push El Dorado forward.”

Following a mandatory three readings of the ban in the council’s public forum, the law will take effect. According to Dumas, the first month following the passing of the law will serve as a grace period for El Dorado citizens who “fail to get it in gear.”

“The mayor has tacked a special clause onto this new legislation allowing a one month grace period,” said Police Chief Ricky Roberts. “I intend to follow the law to the letter, and those caught wearing mustaches during this time will be issued citations. After that, though, we’re gonna have to uphold the thing, just like all the other ones.”

When asked his opinion on the new law, Roberts, who still wore a mustache as of press time, likened himself to Prohibition-era gangster hunter Eliot Ness.

“I guess I feel a lot like he did. I may not agree with it, and my officers may not, either,” he said, “but we are the law. We have to set an example.”

Murphy Oil CEO Claiborne Deming, who attended the meeting, announced that during the one month grace period, Murphy will supply every man in El Dorado with a free Bic Quatro razor.

“I think the law is a fantastic idea,” Deming said. “I’ve never been a supporter of facial hair, but I know some of our locals here will be resistant to the idea of altering their image in order to appease the government. By offering free razors to the men and boys of El Dorado, we at Murphy feel we can help ease the transition into a more upright, baby-smooth society. I use a Quatro in my home, and I fully endorse its four-blade technology.”

The free razors, which can be picked up at Murphy Oil headquarters, will come emblazoned with the Murphy logo and will include one travel-size can of Barbasol mentholated shaving cream and a golf towel featuring the new Murphy logo, a large, red “M” in front of a silhouette of the company’s future headquarters, Boomtown Tower.

“The towels are an added bonus,” Deming said. “We had about 40,000 shipped initially to promote Boomtown Tower. Needless to say, we have a few left over.”

The first reading of the mustache-ban ordinance will take place at the El Dorado City Council’s Thursday meeting.

“From this point on, all womb brooms, crustaches, handle bars, and pencil thins are on the outs,” Dumas said. “It’s true that Sam Elliot wears one, but so did Hitler. We feel that we’re moving in the right direction.”

The council convenes at 5:30 p.m. every other Thursday in the council chamber of City Hall.