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Lion Oil stunned South Arkansas and the world on Wednesday with the announcement that their company will offer free gasoline for life to Union County residents.

The program is being called the “Lion Oil Promise.”

Soaring oil and fuel prices have driven the company’s profits so high that executives said it was a “no brainer to do something for the community that has made us who we are.”

Lion Oil Vice President Steve Cousins called the announcement “one of the proudest days of my life,” and added that “employees at Lion will staff all area gas stations and personally pump the first tank full for everyone in the county.”

There are no strings attached to be eligible for the free gasoline; however, to qualify for a lifetime supply you must be a life-long resident and native of Union County, company officials said.

Other residents will be be eligible for free gasoline based on the number of years they’ve lived in Union County. For example, residents who have lived here for one year as of Wednesday will receive one year’s supply of fuel, and so on.

When asked how the company plans to foot the gasoline bill for more than 25,000 people, Cousins smiled and said, “Profits. Plain and simple.”

Lion’s profits from gasoline have reached record levels, catapulting the company’s cash flows into the stratosphere. Estimates show the company’s current worth at more than $5 billion.

Also, Lion Oil’s exploration team recently discovered a 200-year-old Spanish ship full of gold off the coast of Guam, which Cousins refers to as his “little pot of honey.”

An estimated $1 billion worth of Spanish bouillon is on the ship. That money now belongs solely to Lion Oil.

“That ship really sunk this deal for us,” Cousins said. “After we received the $1 billion for all the gold, we knew we had enough cash flow to sign the checks for free gasoline.”

County residents will soon be mailed personal 14-carat gold-plated cards emblazoned with their names and the Lion Oil logo — the cards will be used the same way as credit cards, except these will only be good for fuel. Food and other products may not be purchased with them, Cousins said.

The cards are good at any fueling station in the world, he added.

After the announcement, El Dorado residents gushed about their forthcoming free gasoline.

Tonya Ward sat in her 2008 Hummer and smiled as she thought about how much money she’s going to save.

“I’ve lived here all my life, and I can’t wait to get this free fuel,” Ward said. “I get about 1 mile per gallon, so I’m gonna clean up.”

Other residents will clean up, too. Steve Sparky owns Sparky Custom Bikes in Junction City and plans to use his free gas card to fill up all of his chopper bikes — some 200 of them. “Yeah, we’ll be ridin’ everywhere this summer,” Sparky said as he sat saddled between the buffed black leather of his custom skull bike. “There are no limits now. No limits at all, thanks to Lion Oil.”

At least two area corporations followed Lion’s lead on Wednesday with announcements of their own, creating a domino effect of free goods for area residents.

El Dorado Paper Bag executives announced that each person in the county will receive free paper bags for life, and also cardboard boxes, if needed. There are no stipulations.

A company spokesman said that Lion Oil’s announcement prompted them to “do something to give back to the community.”

Unconfirmed reports from Murphy Oil Corporation at press time indicated that the company plans to roll out their “Koozie For Life” program, offering area residents free beverage koozies to keep their beer cold in time for Music Fest. The koozies will be emblazoned with the El Dorado Promise Logo, according to an anonymous source.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 2:28 pm and is filed under By John Worthen, News, Satire Wednesday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.